Inauguration of the Ass’ad Abu Khalil Tin-Foil-Hat Conspiracy of the Week Award
Conspiracy theories, the staple of many an angry blogger. Events in Syria have provided endless material for those inclined
towards paranoia and far fetched tales of collusion that would strain the imagination of the world’s best writers of spy thrillers. From the president of the Syrian junta who thinks that the United Nations, Organization of Islamic States and Arab League are all out to get him because of his “steadfast resistance” of Israel (said resistance consisting of him steadfastly refraining from firing a single bullet towards Israel), to the “anti-imperial” Left who have managed the remarkable mental feat of claiming that the man who killed 27,000 Syrians is a “victim”.
Discussions and debates on Syria are rife with numerous conspiracy theories, and so it is therefore fitting that we acknowledge and award the most fringe, lunatic and absurd conspiracies of the week, lest they and their ridiculous proponents be lost to mankind forever. And who better to name a conspiracy award after than the man to whom outlandish conspiracy theories are the bread and butter of his existence; the Marxist who wasn’t Marxist enough to prevent him from living in the USA since 1983, the man who pontificates at length on countries he’s never stepped foot in, the impotently and eternally angry, the Angry Arab, Ass’ad Abu Khalil.
It is only fitting that the Angry Arab be the first recipient of the award that holds his name. Indeed, anyone who seeks to follow in his footsteps has a very high bar to reach, when you see what Comrade Angryski wrote in his weekly column in the Hizbollah newspaper, Al-Akhbar;
“Saudi Arabia’s government has been silent [on the anti-Islamic film “Innocence of Muslims”], probably because its alliance with Israel prevents it from attacking a film produced by an Israeli citizen.”
It takes a true master of the paranoid to cram so much baseless conspiracy-think into a single sentence, and Abu Khalil is nothing if not a master of the outlandish. Abu Khalil wrote these words even after it had become clear that the person behind “Innocence of Muslims” was not an Israeli, but an Egyptian-American Coptic con man who had previously been jailed in the USA on fraud charges. But in time-honored Leftist tradition, Abu Khalil did not let the facts get in the way of a good conspiracy theory.
The idea that Saudi Arabia is in any sort of alliance with Israel (presumably against *the* magnet of cosmic conspiracies everywhere, Bashar “itth-a-conthpirathy” Assad) is ludicrous enough by itself. But to think that any alliance could be so powerfully-binding, as to prevent criticism by one party in the “alliance”, of the actions of the other party’s private citizens, is to take tin-foil-hat conspiracies to a new height. No such alliance has ever existed in history. Only the pseudo-intellect of the Lebanese Marxist professor in California could possibly come up with the idea that Saudi Arabia would swallow insults to the Prophet Muhamad so as to refrain from hurting Israel’s feelings. And only Hizbollah’s media would actually print such ridiculous ideas and treat them seriously.
As a sidenote, the Saudis and GCC countries in general should be congratulated for giving the film in question the exact amount of attention it deserves; zero. It shows that Gulf societies have matured immensely, and its leaders far more pragmatic than many in the region (case in point, the leader of Hizbollah, Hassan Nassrallah, who has called for a demonstration every single day in a different part of Lebanon. Apparently the Hizbollah faithful have nothing better to do with their time).
So well done to this week’s winner. It will be a hard act for other conspiracy nuts to follow, but one thing’s for sure; thanks to the Left, we are guaranteed to be spoiled for material for many months to come.
Any suggestions for next week’s award should be forwarded to Amjad on Twitter @amjadofarabia